[Warning: bad jokes ahead!]

Wife: I’ve had enough of your obsession over math! You never spend time with me. I’m leaving.

Mathematician: Honey, please, I beg you… don’t leave me alone! I love you!

Wife: Then prove it to me!

Mathematician: Let ε > 0. There exists δ > 0 such tha–

Wife: OMG JUST FORGET IT.

A mathematician was hanging out in the neighborhood of a closed subspace. He fell off.

Meanwhile, another mathematician was walking continously through an open neighborhood. He is still walking.

A logician once tried to tell a funny joke. He failed and concluded that his “funny joke is not funny.” He died in an infinite self-recursion.

Logician 1: I’m not who I used to be.

Logician 2: Then you say you are not who you were?

Logician 1: Yes, that is correct.

Logician 2: Then when were you you? Or when will you be you?

Logician 1: Well, I am me, at least at the very moment I said it.

Logician 2: But if whom you described as you is not you before nor now at this very moment, then you can never be exactly you because there are infinitely many moments where the you who you said is not you were in fact you or will be you, so you are not you.

Logician 1: Fuck.

Two successful businessmen mathematicians had a shady business based on duplication of money on demand. They were once asked whether they were Nigerian king magicians or something. They said “Nah, we’re just Banach and Tarski.”

What does a string theorist cowboy say when he rides his horse?

“Calabi-Yeeeehau!”

α-mathematicians at the bar

Real Analyst: I like my women real smooth.

Group theorist: I like my women normal.

Ring theorist: I like my women ideal.

Algebraist: I like women isomorphic to my wife.

Logician: I like women if and only if my wife.

Geometrist: I like a cute woman.

Linear algebraist: I like a fine woman.

Combinatorialist: I like to count women.

Trigonometrist: I like tan’ed women.

Differential geometrist: I like curvy women.

Statistician: I like average women.

Probability theorist: I like independent women.

Measure theorist: I like my women almost everywhere.

Functional Analyst: I like my women on the specturm.

Optimization scientist: I like her lips shit smooth.

Theoretical physicist: I like my women symmetric. No strings attached.

Cosmologist: I like women with bangs. Big bangs.

Topologist: I like women in all shapes and forms.

Elliptical geometrist: I like women who give me my own non-Euclidean space.

Number theorist: I like women who can make a Shepherd’s π with Euler-Mascheroni and cheese.

Theoretical computer scientist 1: I like my women complete. Turing complete.

Theoretical computer scientist 2: I like my women hard. NP-hard.

Machine learning scientist: I like perfect models.

Bayesian decision maker: I hate risky women.

Bayesian scientist: I like bayes’edwomen.

Computational learning theorist: I like my women probably approximately hot.

Random matrix theorist: OMG you guys are like soooo randooom.

[These were written by ChatGPT. Some of them are clever! (Not the first one though.)]

Computer scientist: What do you want for dinner?

Machine learning scientist: I don’t care. Let’s just sample from a distribution.

~

A statistician walks into a bar with two standard deviations. He says, “I’ll have the usual, but make it with a 95% confidence interval. Last time was a little too risky.”

~

A topologist walks into a coffee shop and orders a donut. The barista hands them a mug.

Topologist: “Perfect.”

~

A logician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender: What will you have?

Logician: I’ll have a Gödel number of the self-referential drink that says, ‘I cannot be served.’”

Bartender: I’m not even sure if that’s on the menu, but I feel paradoxically compelled to serve it to you anyway.

~

A quantum physicist was at a casino.

Dealer: Sir, are you going to place your bet?

Quantum Physicist: I already did.

Dealer: Where?

Quantum Physicist: In an alternate universe. I’m just waiting for the wave function to collapse.

ًWatch this subspace.